Three Sentence Ficathon

"3 SWEEP DELAY, WITH A 50% FAILURE RATE, LOCKS YOUR AUDIO SETTINGS TO BE TURNED ON THE WHOLE TIME, AND SCREAMS AT YOU THE WHOLE TIME," says Karkat, spinning the screen around with a smug grin.
"wow, really u2ed your brain for iit, huh," says Sollux, and scoffs before continuing with, "miine generate2 an entiire arg where every 2tep give2 you one biit of the correct re2pon2e, and iif you miiss one, you have to 2tart over."
"oh!" says John, clapping his hands together, and showing what appears to be an absolute hash of characters on the screen, "well mine works perfectly, but only in a version of the universe that you can only reach through metanarrative bullshit; it won't even run here."